ERROR………>> COMM/SEC INTERRUPT UNAUTH SIGNAL >> SIGNAL FOUND BOotyCall’s back to roast, toast and boast to all of you loathsome lawbreakers. This is your main man, Jester. Here, as always, to guide the gluttonous, encourage the corrupt, and support all you sleazy scavs on the trail of fame and fortune.
How was that for an intro, ZigZag? “Professional” enough for you … you slander-slinging skag? If you haven’t noticed, this show isn’t exactly “official.” Comm me complaints all you want. Nothing’s changing. The signal’s always gonna suck. So get used to it or get bent. And my voice? Good to know it annoys you. No one’s forcing you to listen to this. If I was forcing you to do anything, you’d know it.
Anyways, that’s enough time wasted on a fool. Let’s get the show going with today’s Threatdown!
On to Oberon, where SnapBack claims to have spotted a ’duul clan moving through the system. Hey, SnapBack, thanks for the tip, but this best not be a play to scare people away from your territory. Now, SnapBack’s known as an able operator, but that doesn’t mean I’d trust him. He’s spun some outrageous stories in his day. Sometimes he thinks that the bigger he lies the more people will believe it.
Even though SnapBack’s word is dubious, at best, I’d still recommend being extra cautious in and around Oberon. No one should dance with the ’duul unless they’re ready and willing. Awhile back I flew with a crew that got lured into a fight with a clan. We’d bought some hot NavPoints off Armus, an infoagent who was reliable, but bloody expensive. Told us the NPs led to a starliner that was reported missing. Sent us right into an asteroid field crawling with ’duul. Half the crew was gone before I knew what happened. Never had to fight so hard to stay alive. That experience made a bigger man outta me than anything else in this ’verse.
So you see, SnapBack, I got issues with the ‘duul. They’re the one thing I don’t mess with. Hey, this goes for the rest of you miscreants too. Feeding me bad info on cutters gets you a top slot on my hit list, and I just crossed a name off it the other day, so there’s plenty of room.
Next, the hell is going on in Spider? I haven’t been back in a while. Been busy testing out some new equipment. Seems like a smart time to be doing it. Honestly, I wasn’t that shocked when my mobi starting overflowing with comms about the Dace Clan baiting Fist & Nail into a dust up. That always was an uneasy truce. Not surprised to see it snap.
Don’t think it’s any secret that Dace is trying to claw their way up. That crew lives to raise hell, but are still smart enough to fight on their own terms. Like when they depressurized the Grimmers living quarters, spaced ’em, then set up shop on their old grounds. That was a filthy operation. Really impressive stuff.
But hacking a turret in the NKZ to turn it on Fist & Nails … that’s taking it too far. The NKZ is anything you want it to be except for one thing. It’s a damn “no kill zone.” N for “no,” K for “kill” and Z for “zone.” Simple enough, right?
Mad respect to the Dace Clan for pulling off the hack but even us lawless need a place to do deals in peace. Business dries up awfully quick if people can’t stop looking over their shoulder long enough to shake hands.
Enough with the bad bad stuff and onto the good bad stuff. Let’s open the GearB0x.
Gotta admit, I had a lot of fun playing with this one. Joker Engineering has been making Beacon Bombs for years now, but for whatever reason, just never picked one up before. Let me tell you, if you’ve never used one of these things, you’re missing out.
Over the years I’ve learned that some things really are worth the wait. This Beacon Bomb is definitely one of them. As was, drum roll please, finally finding Armus, the backstabber who lured my old crew into that ’duul den.
I knew Armus couldn’t hide forever. I hunted him hard after making it out of that trap, but I banged the revenge drum so loud I drove him underground. If I was a more patient man then, I would’ve handled it differently. Sometimes a soft approach is necessary.
Armus did a good job laying low. Didn’t hear a peep about him for years. Then, not too long ago, someone tipped me to him working the Taranis system. Guess he stopped slinging intel to stay on the down low. Turned himself into a scav that preyed on distressed ships in the asteroid belt. Well, once I heard that, it sounded too good to be true.
At first, I was worried it was another set-up, so having recently come into possession of a few Joker Beacon Bombs, it seemed like the perfect time and place to put ’em to good use. This one handy device could bait him to a location using a variety of fake distress calls, then blow him into a billion little pieces when he got into range.
So Rollback, Headcase and I slipped into the Taranis System and staked out the belt. We found a little clearing, lowered our ship’s signatures and activated the Beacon Bomb. Didn’t take long before Armus came sniffing. Now, the Beacon Bomb gives you choices. Destruction doesn’t have to be the end goal. You can use the distress signal to lure a ship into position, then pick it clean once it’s disabled. But this wasn’t about the creds for me. It was about coldblooded revenge.
In this case, we set the Beacon Bomb to blow and positioned it so Armus would be in the kill zone the second he entered the clearing. Dumb old buzzard didn’t even know what hit him. Nothing he could do. He just flew into the clearing and kablooey! Two heartbeats later we had all spun back up, and finished the job. Happy to say the final missile was mine. The entire operation went down smoother than I could’ve imagined. My only regret is that Armus didn’t know it was me who done him in.
These Beacon Bombs were satisfying. Like the first stim of the day times a 100 satisfying. I already have plans on how I’m going to use the few I got left. Sure you do too by now.
Gotta admit, I’m still basking in the sweet, sweet glow of revenge. Time for the boys and I to celebrate. I’m Jester, this is BOotyCall, and my audience is the worst in the ’verse. Wouldn’t want it any other way.
BOotyCall out!
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